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Last week's show, do I take thee Brussels sprouts?

So I’m backlogged, blogpost-wise, and don’t know whether to tell you first about the Ustream show last week or about News Distillery which is the live show I was a part of or about other stuff. Hm. Hmmmmmmmm.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Still undecided.

I’ll just tell you first about last week’s Ustream show. It was super duper fun and super duper is kind of of one of those phrases you need to watch out for because you start saying “super duper” as a joke and then before long you’re saying it in earnest and possibly adding “pooper scooper” on the end of it. A similar thing happened to both my sister and me with “okey dokey” (followed by either “smokey” or “salmanokey”). Luckily we each caught it early. My friend Bret once took pains to strike “easy peasy Japanesey” from his speech. So what I’m saying is this: be careful with super duper because a little goes a long way. That said, the show was super duper fun and here’s the first part and I’m not quite sure the best way to make the episodes available to you guys. I could put them right here or I could link them or I could just tweet that they’re available on the Ustream page itself. So many options.

And then there are the highlight videos too, which I could post here, like when Showalter did the wavey pencil dance or Dustin arrived dressed as “the future of TV” which is funny because my first thought when I saw him was that he’d come from some sort of Wizard of Oz costume party. Or the second fan phone call with Trapp, which was super duper (see, there it is again) awesome. Ugh, options!

Basically I feel like all these amazing moments and clips are coming from the shows and yet I’m not utilizing them correctly or pasting them to my sandwich board and ringing a bell while asking people if they have a moment to spare for being my best friend. Can we talk about that for a second? I pass by people in the street who want to know if I have a moment to spare for various causes which I actually do care about or sympathize with however I’m often in a rush or don’t want to talk to a 12 year old with a clipboard so I just keep walking and yet worry that because I’ve effectively said no, I do not having a moment to protect children from predators or protect animals from abuse or protect passersby from street solicitation it’s as if I disagree with these causes. And yet I don’t. I just don’t have time to talk to YOU about them. You know? Also, I’m very selfish and a world-class asshole. Seriously, you could travel the world meeting the finest assholes the world has to offer and you would come back to me and be like, You, you are a total asshole unlike any other and I would just smile, because it’s what I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time.

But back to options, vis a vis options to put videos on this blog. The funny thing is that I love options however too many of them paralyze me. Options are my hamartia. Or my Achilles heel. Or my siren. Could someone please figure out what the best metaphor is and just write it for me? I’m lazy and kind of hot. Seriously, why is it hot all of a sudden? I don’t mean to be so cranky but do you have to sit there? No, I’m not sitting there RIGHT NOW but I was planning on possibly sitting there later and… okay you know what… I can’t do this right now. Not with you sitting there. Not with a belly full of Brussels sprouts.

If I were to marry a cruciferous vegetable it’d probably be the Brussels sprout, at least that’s how I feel today and how I’ve been feeling lately, however I’m not ready to stand before God and make that kind of promise. Frankly I kind of like things the way they are right now and don’t see why I have to have some silly piece of paper to make the love between me and Brussels sprouts official. Just because my last name is Rosen, not Sprouts, does that mean I love them any less? Just because my half human, half sprout children will have the hyphenated name Rosen-Sprouts, does that make their existence any less legitimate? Just because we aren’t registered at Crate & Barrel and we aren’t marching/rolling down the aisle, does that mean our union is any less real? I’m so Goddamn sick of the nonstop message that unless you’re married to a Brussels Sprout you you aren’t truly standing shoulder to leaf with your partner. And if I have to see another movie where Julia Roberts runs from a Brussels Sprout or Renee Zellweger meets-cute a Brussels Sprout and or oh look, it’s Mark Ruffalo as an underdog who’s also a Brussels Sprout or hey, is that Amy Adams or Isla Fisher acting coquettish opposite a Brussels sprout well I just might puke. You know what, Hollywood, and Belgium, I’m not playing. And neither are my vegetables.

Phew. Felt good to get that off my chest.

And you might find the following hard to believe, but I wasn’t intending to hold forth on my forbidden love in this post. I was going to instead tell you all about the nutty twists and turns, most of them inside my brain, that happened before last week’s show. But now I’m too tired. Basically it boils down to this: because I wear all the hats on my show, sometimes literally, I have trouble sometimes figuring out how to block out the show in terms of when to put guests and when to just talk to you guys alone and when to have Dustin there and when to do the phone interview versus the guest interview and how long each thing should last and whether I should have the guest arrive before I start the show and if so should he/she be sitting off camera or in the background or should I just let the guest in while the show is already going? And let’s say I know that Ustream is going to be putting the show on their front page for a period of time and so I know new sets of eyeballs (preferably in their sockets) will be on the show and I know when that period of time is, should I be getting naked right when they put me on the front page or near the end of the allotted time? Just kidding. There’s no nakedness, you guys! But you get what I’m saying. So basically all this crap is sitting in my already filled-to-the-brim-with-whatnot-and-bric-a-brac-and-Hummels-and-homemade-jam head and add fatigue to it, as was the case last week and I’m unable to figure anything out, resulting in my asking what the drummer of my band used to refer to as “Jesus questions” as in “only Jesus knows the answer to them.” Somehow I doubt even Jesus knows what time my guests should be arriving. If you really want to watch me spin in place, catch me in the midst of a colossal indecision surfeit and send me a text asking me if I want to go to dinner the next day. My inability to figure things out in the present coupled with my inability to figure things out in the future will cause me to be unable to do anything other than stare at my phone. Sometimes I drool.

What was my point though? I don’t really know. I feel like I need some kind of brain enema or brain emetic which is ironic since many people would think this blog and my twitter stream serves that purpose but it doesn’t and my brain feels filled with residue that’s preventing me from expressing myself in any sort of linear fashion.

See what I  mean?

In other news, my parents joined Twitter! Except I think it’s really my dad, not my mom, tweeting as @Alisonsparents. Just like it’s more my mom than my dad typing as Alisonsdad on Ustream. Though often it’s the two of them sitting there at the computer together. It’s all very confusing.

Oh and also, also, I’ll be on The 404 on Friday. And Red Eye on Thursday night. And my Ustream show featuring Myq Kaplan and more is Wednesday night. Please watch and RSVP and tell your friends or I’ll be forced to talk more about vegetables and no one wants that.

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Announcements!

I have important announcements.

Tonight is my Ustream show. Please tune in because it’s going to be the most fun EVER. Seriously. Like more fun than whatever else you were thinking of doing. There’s going to be a trivia portion. For real. TRIVIA! And quite possibly an appearance from Dustin who will be drunk and wearing an ugly sweater, having just come from an ugly sweater party. That’s not a definite though. RSVP for that hot action here.

And January 7th I’ll be on Red Eye. No need to RSVP. Just watch.

In other news I’m feeling a little less than breezy and delightful of late and I’m not sure what the hell that is about. Is it the time of year? The short days? I just don’t know. Perhaps it’s the lack of proximity to puppies in my life.  I need to let more puppies into my heart. And fewer cookies into my pants.

Granted I don’t just put the cookies straight into my pants. I first put them in a plastic bag and then in my pants. And also I line the tops of my jeans with muffin tops. I’m very literal that way.

Tomorrow I fly to California again. Wasn’t I just there? Pretty much, yes.

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My life with the paparazzi

Like most of you, I enjoy going out with my friends and making a night of it on occasion, but it’s becoming increasingly hard with the paparazzi always up in my business. For example, on Thursday night at Obliterati, which is a party for new media or some such, I could barely make a move without someone trying to get a shot.

Here I am just trying to have a conversation. A P-R-I-V-A-T-E conversation. I guess that means nothing to them!

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And then here I am apparently talking about something I’m holding in my hand as indicated by the mirror which obviously they’d placed there to better keep an eye on me. God, their shifty resourcefulness knows no bounds!

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And then here I am checking myself out in the mirror while Dustin (little arrow) says something. Not exactly a Hollywood moment but anything to feed the public’s insatiable thirst for celebrity, I suppose. It really turns my stomach that we, as a culture, have allowed this to happen.

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And then here I am just looking amazing.

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(all photos courtesy of Nick McGlynn and RandomNightOut)

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Ustream; about last night; weather; gynecology

Don’t forget to tune in to my Ustream show tonight at 11pm ET/8pm PT and join in the chat room or just watch the proceedings which are sure to be both fun and ridiculous.

Will we name plants?

Will we play Cow, Sheep or Goat which I believe we may have a request for?

Will we play the rhyming game which my sister and I invented but only I think is fun?

Will Dustin and I have found true love with strangers at the Singles party I’m supposedly going to tonight but which I can already feel I may flake on (pssss. No one tell Dustin. It’s a surprise!)

Will I tell you about how I won an iPod touch in a raffle at a comedy benefit for the leukemia and lymphoma society last night (hosted by Liam McEneany and featuring Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, John Oliver, Kristen Schaal, Todd Barry, Jim Gaffigan, Caroline Rhea, Eddie Brill and fuck who am I forgetting? A Brief View of the Hudson) and  it was exciting because I was literally sitting there thinking, “If they call my number, which they won’t since in my entire life of raffles I’ve never had my number called, is it ok if I just raise my hand or stand up as opposed to yelping like everyone else because I just don’t think I can summon the yelp and I hope they’ll understand that it doesn’t mean there’s a stick up my ass [though it kinda does] and it doesn’t mean I’m too cool for raffles [or am I?!?!?!?!], it just means I’m not the yelping kind,” but then as they called the numbers the excitement of winning actually coalesced into a yelp, which was a relief.

Sort of like when you go to the gynecologist and she confirms that all your parts are in working order as opposed to your fear, which is that she’ll recoil in horror, having seen something the likes of which I can’t even figure out right now, seeing as I’m already wishing I hadn’t taken this blog post in that direction. I know what you’re thinking though and yes, women can be doctors.

Um, where was I? Have I said too much? Just to continue on this dark path for a moment, it’s also like how you may wonder what you’ll do if you get a call saying someone died or if you have to call 911. Will it be like how you see it on TV? Having experienced both of those I can say that yes, the emotions come at the appropriate times, and perhaps I’m the only one that wondered about that?

In other news it’s raining cats and dogs in New York. What web sites do you guys use to get the weather forecast? I use twitter. But also weather dot com. But I wonder if there’s a better one.

Oh and RSVP for my show tonight so I’ll feel special.

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Thanksgiving seasons

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I’m sitting at the kitchen table of my parents’ house sweating my lady balls off. Everyone says there aren’t any seasons in CA however there are seasons in this house. It’s nuclear winter in my old bedroom and Dante’s Inferno in the kitchen. Those are some of the seasons right? My understanding is that these are the seasons:

Spring
Summer
Fall
August
Autumn
Winter
Winter Squash
Tennis
Cricket
Racketball
Blue
Seven
Dante’s Inferno
Gary’s Inferno
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride
Nuclear Winter
Nukuler Winter
Fred Winter
Shelly Winters
Indian Summer

So last night I shivered into bed wearing sweatpants, socks, a nightgown and sweatshirt and then slept under a duvet and three blankets. I’m not even making this up. Now I’m in another room sweating. And I’d adjust the air/thermostat/air conditioning/what have you but my parents bedroom is not only another season but another time period entirely (Paris before The War, if you must) (basically the problem is that the whole house is set up so their bedroom is a toasty 70 or whatever they like it at, the rest of the house be damned) and I’m afraid I’ll broil them or flash freeze them or whatever if I adjust anything.

In other news, there is no other news.

Oh wait, well there is this. Remember when I took up biking over the summer? And then I got back to New York and borrowed Dustin’s bike and named it Ernesto and it’s currently sitting in my kitchen and I don’t ride it because it doesn’t fit me well? Well my sister’s bike which fits me better is here in CA and yesterday my mom’s handy man who is 6’5″ or maybe 6’8″ and helps put up holiday lights and remodels cabinets and removes dead rats and is like family to us told me yesterday he enjoyed watching me on TV to which I responded that I simply CANNOT live like this, having to interact with fans in my own home. Then I stormed into my room, put on a parka and began shrieking.

Anyway, he got the bike down from the hooks where it normally hangs and so perhaps I’ll ride it as a way to offset the junk I fear I’ll be smuggling in my trunk this holiday season. Tusks mostly. And those tiny turtles which are illegal but so adorable.

And thanks to everyone who joined in the live Ustream show last night. That was fun!

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New Blog Column: My New Thing (plus other stuff)

As a tireless historian of my own antics I’ve decided to start a new blog column called My New Thing wherein I document my various activities as one would a toddler’s. So for example:

My New Thing: Waking up really early and moving to the couch and falling asleep there for a few hours.

My Old Thing: Frottage

In other news, this new hand lotion I’m using smells kind of like a diaper. Perhaps one day soon smelling like a diaper can be my new thing?

And in other other news, I have an audition tomorrow morning for something I really hope I get unless the casting director is reading this in which case, hey, no big deal, easy come easy go. Unless a more passionate attitude is in order in which case I’d totally trade my left diaper hand for this role. Or something.

And in other other other news, I’d like to tell you all about what happened when I blew my nose this morning however even I am going to draw the line at snot. (Drawing the line at snot is my new thing.)

And in other other other other news, I didn’t make it to Dustin’s pig roast yesterday because I’m a bad friend who cannot shake the lingering effects of this swine flu and I didn’t want to get reinfected by the guest of  honor (the pig, not Dustin). I’m thinking of changing my email signature to, “Just so you know, eventually I’m going to disappoint you.” What do you think? Catchy, right?

In other other other other other news, I’m flying to CA tomorrow after the audition.

In other other other other other other news, I wrote a tweet wherein I said “Newtons, go fig or go home” which was really just because I wanted to make the pun. I later came clean regarding my fundamental okayness with various Newton flavors. Then I started thinking of more puns:

Sausage? Go pig or go home.

Archeology? Go dig or go home.

Stage lights? Go Klieg or go home.

Sticks? Go twig or go home.

Irish dancing? Go jig or go home.

I think you can see where that’s going.

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