Archive for the ‘dogs’ Category
A moment of silence for Woofie
Today, Feb 6, would have been Woofie’s birthday. If he were alive today he’d be, let me see, about 24 years old which in dog years is 70 million. Woofie enjoyed such activities as riding in cars, walking around with paper stuck to his nose and licking. He is missed.
After Woofie died my parents waited about five years, which in daughter years is 70 million, to get a new dog. Finally they settled on the guy below though. I like to imagine what Woofie and Tobey would have been like together.
Things to think about when naming your imaginary pets
Earlier tonight I went on like six dates with seven guys and then I hit an array of parties, a few summits and one fête before coming home to think about good names for imaginary crime fighting puppies. How is a fête different from a party? If you have to ask you’d never understand. I mean, seriously.
I was thinking about names because I announced earlier that I’d never name a puppy Sal which seemed to ruffle a few feathers. Look people, I just wouldn’t and it’s not because I had a bad run in years ago with a broker named Sal. Wait, yes it is.
It got me thinking about… what was I saying? I’m very unfocused right now because the TV is on and there are people talking about the job market. More like there are people yelling at me about the job market. Also, there are words flying across the screen. It’s very dynamic. You know, if dynamic meant “so busy I want to throw my shoe at the TV.”
I’d throw the Magic 8 Ball but then how would I ever make a decision?
Me: Should I throw you at the TV?
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good.
Um, so anyway I was going to tell you about the list of puppy names I’d made, with your help, back when my parents first got Tobey-who-didn’t-have-a-name and then I was going to explain that when naming imaginary pets you often have to see them first. For example, I’m currently the proud owner of a pair of imaginary mackerel named Bob and Kelvin. How did I get those names? Well, okay, confession: I overheard them introducing themselves to someone. But the point is that the names really do suit them. One day Kelvin told me he was thinking of going by Chaz and I was like, “Who are you trying impress, Kelvin?” I hope that wasn’t too harsh, come to think of it. I want to nurture his imagination while at the same time making sure he’s got a grip on reality and strong sense of self. It’s a delicate balance I suppose.
Was rereading old posts
I was rereading old posts while staring in the mirror when I came across and re-cracked up at this one, about my parents’ dog.
Stuff I’ve accomplished today
In case you’re thinking I haven’t accomplished much today I’m standing here telling you that you are wrong with a capital WR! WRong my friend. Incorrect. Erroneous. Full of misinformation. Dunderheaded. Chowderbrained. Mistaken. Specious.
Not that I have to justify myself to you or anything but I may as well tell you just a little bit about all that I’ve done. But I’m telling you because I want to, not because I owe you or because I have anything to prove so don’t get the wrong idea.
I placed an order on drugstore.com for shampoo and toilet paper except web sites refuse to call it toilet paper which is evidently grody and gauche and so I had to search around the site trying to find it. I ordered 18 rolls of something called “aluminum foil.” Hope it’s the right thing!
THEN my mom called and I stayed on the phone with her for an hour even though I said three times “I don’t want to be on the phone anymore.” I even whined something fierce by the third time. Then I pouted for awhile.
THEN I took a shower and not just any shower but a cold one. And here’s the thing that gets me, I was just talking with someone about the amazing water pressure in my shower so I’m concerned the shower overheard me and got too comfortable. You know? I’m not ready for the shower to have stopped trying.
THEN I shivered for awhile.
THEN I turned blue and dropped dead.
THEN I checked my email.
THEN I drank some black cherry flavored sparkling water which is free of calories, caffeine and sodium but full of heroin, which I dump in by the rock full. By the chunk full? By the resin? By the small bag? I’m sorry, apparently I don’t know as much about heroin as I pretend.
THEN I wrote this blog post.
THEN someone gave me a puppy and I played with it. “How did you know?” I asked. “I just did,” said… the puppy. His name was Sal.
THEN I renamed the puppy because I wouldn’t name a puppy Sal. I mean, give me a break!
THEN I noticed that my fingers were kid of pruney.
THEN the puppy and I fought crime together and saved three porpoises and an orphan.
THEN I did other amazing things that I’m not going to tell you about because frankly, you and I are SO OVER.
It scares me that I’ve become this person
However my sister just gave me a thoughtful New Year’s Eve present to help with the Meringue Experiment 2008. Since all pictures are made cuter with Tobey in the background, I just spent far too long on this prize-winning shot. What prize you ask? First place for photos of decorating bags plus Maltese puppies.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Big disgusting news in Tobey-land
Apparently Tobey tried to eat a rabbit’s tobey this morning.
If you’re reading this and not sure what it means, be thankful.
Also, today is my dad’s birthday. He didn’t try to eat any rabbit tobeys.
Cute puppy talking points
1. Who’s a cute puppy?
2. Are you a cute puppy?
3. Are you the cutest puppy ever?
4. Are you the cutest puppy in the whole world?
5. Has anyone ever told you you’re the cutest puppy in the whole wide world?
6. Has anyone ever loved a cute puppy as much as I love you?
7. How’d you get to be so cute?
Instead of wry commentary I offer you a puppy hugging bamboo
I stole this photo from Laura Leu, by the way. I mean, I borrowed it. I have every intention of returning it provided I don’t spill red wine on it. Think she would notice if I returned a magenta puppy? Because I think if you spill red wine on your picture of a puppy the best course of action is to dye the whole photo Bordeaux.
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