I’ve been reading excerpts of my faux pregnancy memoir, What I’d Expect if I Were Expecting on The Adam Carolla Show. The idea grew out of an on air discussion we were having about how the best time to write a memoir would be before the event you’re recalling, because that’s when you really have the time to knock out a book.
Due to the popularity of WIEIIWE, I’m now also working on my addiction/recovery memoir since there’s that old adage in publishing that you have your whole life to write your first book and only a year or two to write your second. Frankly there’s no way I can squeeze a lifetime of imaginary drug abuse into only a couple years.
A lot of people have asked if there’s a place they can go to read these excerpts. The short answer at this point is No. The long answer is Noooooooooooooo. But I’ve decided to put a few of them on my blog. Here is the first one:
Excerpt from What I’d Expect if I Were Expecting, Chapter 1: Could I Be Pregnant?
…After months and months of not getting my period and being all fat, I began to wonder, could I be pregnant? It was the last thing I expected——me??? pregnant???— but the signs were all there. Unprotected sex some months before? Check. Morning sickness? Try morning, afternoon and evening sickness! Weird cravings? I’d eaten a pencil and two dry erase boards only moments before. My doctor pointing out the fetal heart rate on the fetal heart rate monitor? I made a mental note to pick up a pregnancy test on my way home from the bar…
Upcoming chapters include:
“What’s Up With My Areolas?”
“I Hope They Serve Ice Chips In Hell”
“What Do You Mean I Can’t Give Birth Underwater Surrounded By Dolphins?”
No luster lost on this still as funny as the first time I heard it..
Fetal hear rate monitor? Fetal heart RATE? Something must be up! (ok… as in knocked).
Great Stuff! A show highlight every time.
Thumbs up!
I’ve missed you on the Carolla show lately – Sammy Hagar and Dana Gould are guests who can hold up OK with a one-on-one but the show is much better with you there!
Ha! That was awesome. You could get a show on MTV and instead of it being Teen Mom it could be something along the lines of, “Dirty 30’s and Pregnant.” Or, “I DID know I Was Pregnant.”
Michael.
hahahaha… “the short answer is ‘no’ but the long answer is ‘noooooooo'” That one line had me and used me over and over till it was finished with me.
You should follow this with the memoir “Who’s My Baby Daddy?”
Actually this would dovetail very well with the fake drug abuse. Unprotected sex after smoking crack from a Whitney Houston “collectible” crack pipe!
I’ve started reading the show notes, and if I don’t see Alison mentioned I don’t download the podcast.
Charlie Sheen may have bombed but you did not. Thanks Alison!
I only recently found out what part an “Areolas” was! I’ve always been a fan, just didn’t know the technical name. Funny how ignorance on some things doesn’t hold you back.
Yay!
So glad you posted this – my wife and I were just laughing about your memoirs the other night, after reading a horrible excerpt from an actual, no-joke, horrible pregnancy book (no, I won’t say which one).
Your satire is dead-on perfect.
No luster lost on this still as funny as the first time I heard it..
Fetal hear rate monitor? Fetal heart RATE? Something must be up! (ok… as in knocked).
Great Stuff! A show highlight every time.
Thumbs up!
I've missed you on the Carolla show lately – Sammy Hagar and Dana Gould are guests who can hold up OK with a one-on-one but the show is much better with you there!
Ha! That was awesome. You could get a show on MTV and instead of it being Teen Mom it could be something along the lines of, “Dirty 30's and Pregnant.” Or, “I DID know I Was Pregnant.”
Michael.
hahahaha… “the short answer is 'no' but the long answer is 'noooooooo'” That one line had me and used me over and over till it was finished with me.
You should follow this with the memoir “Who's My Baby Daddy?”
Actually this would dovetail very well with the fake drug abuse. Unprotected sex after smoking crack from a Whitney Houston “collectible” crack pipe!
I've started reading the show notes, and if I don't see Alison mentioned I don't download the podcast.
Charlie Sheen may have bombed but you did not. Thanks Alison!
I only recently found out what part an “Areolas” were! I've always been a fan, just didn't know the technical name. Funny how ignorance on some things doesn't hold you back.
I was three years ahead of you, also an English major at Pomona. NO ONE in the English department was this funny there, let alone wrote anything that wasn’t just navel-gazing. We were too busy listening to a professor pretend to know Middle English while he was reading us Chaucer. Most folks barely had a sense of humor, because humor, as we all know, isn’t politically correct. Even the Without A Box improv group was mostly failure in a cube.
I call shenanigans, I think you went to Cal Poly.
#HarwoodTootieRollerSkateTwirl
Yay!
So glad you posted this – my wife and I were just laughing about your memoirs the other night, after reading a horrible excerpt from an actual, no-joke, horrible pregnancy book (no, I won't say which one).
Your satire is dead-on perfect.
Haha! Your comment totally brings me back to the self-importance of being an English major. (Not that your comment is self-important but the dept was.) I think the Lit majors were worse. I’m trying to remember who the Chaucer prof was. I had a woman prof but didn’t Pinney or Barnes also teach it?
I was three years ahead of you, also an English major at Pomona. NO ONE in the English department was this funny there, let alone wrote anything that wasn't just navel-gazing. We were too busy listening to a professor pretend to know Middle English while he was reading us Chaucer. Most folks barely had a sense of humor, because humor, as we all know, isn't politically correct. Even the Without A Box improv group was mostly failure in a cube.
I call shenanigans, I think you went to Cal Poly.
#HarwoodTootieRollerSkateTwirl
Haha! Your comment totally brings me back to the self-importance of being an English major. (Not that your comment is self-important but the dept was.) I think the Lit majors were worse. I'm trying to remember who the Chaucer prof was. I had a woman prof but didn't Pinney or Barnes also teach it?
Just not the same without you there, SO glad you’re back and you sound like you’re feelin’ better.
Just not the same without you there, SO glad you're back and you sound like you're feelin' better.
Barnes taught Chaucer to me, sweating like a pig and oggling the legs of the pretty girl in the front row. Copeland was great, gave me a lifelong love of Austen, and Stonehill was fun too (did he die while you were there?). But Pinney and Barnes barely felt like they were trying. And I was tramautized for life when Cris Miller popped out a boob in front of me to breast feed.
Yes, I was a Lit major. The amount of angst among the twelve of us in that little senior seminar room could have powered the lights of Claremont for weeks. That’s why, when I found out you were a Sagehen, I was dumbfounded that the English department birthed someone as funny as you.
Barnes taught Chaucer to me, sweating like a pig and oggling the legs of the pretty girl in the front row. Copeland was great, gave me a lifelong love of Austen, and Stonehill was fun too (did he die while you were there?). But Pinney and Barnes barely felt like they were trying. And I was tramautized for life when Cris Miller popped out a boob in front of me to breast feed.
Yes, I was a Lit major. The amount of angst among the twelve of us in that little senior seminar room could have powered the lights of Claremont for weeks. That's why, when I found out you were a Sagehen, I was dumbfounded that the English department birthed someone as funny as you.