Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

I find the best response is "you are!"

I'm hopping on this late, but I have your answer.

Guys do this all the time ( myself included). It is an informal 'hello'. When I go into work everyday I don't personally greet everyone because we all see each other so much, I would just say 'whats up guys' as I walk past.

He is not actually asking you what is going on with you, you are not supposed to answer the question, even as a joke. It would show you are aware of his intent. If you are busy doing something you don't have to reply, if you are standing around and clearly see him, you need to reply.

Acceptable responses (said in the same apathetic manner as Adam):

'whats up'
'hows it goin'
'Hey"
'Hey Adam'

Another approach would be to passingly greet him first, when you see him just say 'hey adam' or something casual.

The fact that you are asking this shows you are self conscious around him, Adam operates under the same social rules as a guy walking around his apt in his underwear would treat his roommates. You are more outgoing/confident then him and can take control of the situation by casually speaking first. Be yourself, if you are overly friendly, it might brighten his day.

He might be operating under the mind frame that ' these people aren't happy to see me, so I'll just fly under the radar'.

I've talked myself out of my point, be yourself.

I'm a few days late on this, but as a native New Yorker and frequent user of WGO, it's cousin HIG (how's it goin') and the New Jersey version HYD (how you doin'). You have to understand that these are not questions, but a mild greeting.

The proper response is to (in the same tone) either repeat WGO, or drop an HIG or HYD. Other acceptable responses are WU (what's up / whassup / 'sup), WH (what's happening / whas happenin') A (hey / 'ay)... again, in the same muted tone as the original greeting.

At minimum, a quick, curt reverse nod (chin towards the ceiling) will do. Optional raised eyebrows during the reverse nod indicate that you either haven't seen this person in a while and/or are happy to see them (but not too happy).

Hope that helps.

My period.

Ace: WGO?
AR: Hiss at him and run to the corner.

Form a gun shape with your right hand, tilt it on it's side, point at him and reply "yo". Equally as trite and dismissive.

8) "That's what I'd like to know! (shows you're on the same side)

Alison, thanks for the behind the scenes look at the ACEMAN.

In my neck of the woods, we'd probably answer ACE with an "alright". Don't know why, we just do, even though it doesn't make sense with greetings like "what's goin' on".

In your case, you should respond "I'm pregnant", just to see if he is really listening for your response anyhow, which I doubt he is. ACE is an odd man. For a guy that talks as much as he does, he seems pretty antisocial. Anyhow if that doesn't get a rise out of him, you should have fun with it. I personally like the mumble. I do that sometimes if I don't get out my "alright" or am taken by surprise. "Sup, Rob". I'll just say "hey rrr, syeah".

My standard answer, "just livin' the dream"

Alison, I'd just pick a word of th day and repeat it. You're the news girl, right? So last week was probably "winning" but this week the answer might be "bombing" - and so on.

May the Force be with you.

Same shit, different toilet

"life's rich pageant"

How about "hello adam you look nice today."

Your response should rhyme. A brief couplet with a simple end-rhyme is preferable. Channel Snoop Dogg, in other words ("meditating, elevating"; "Thinking news, drinking booze"; I'm sure you can do better).

Why? Adam did a Man Show bit with Snoop years ago and discussed how the rapper always had a slick response to mundane inquiries (imagine what Snoop would say if you asked him What's Up). Adam was impressed by Snoop's wordsmithery and said that he himself always uses simple salutations.

Adam is likewise impressed by your skills with language -- he listens intently when you read your excerpts. He may be able to rant, improv, and come up with brilliant analogies instantly, but he cannot craft a sentence or a paragraph like you. So come up with some slick rhymes, and when those sound repetitive play with assonance and alliteration. Be Snoop!

Simple Answer to WGO? that will work every time: "Hey boss, glad you could make it!" Thus, you've acknowledged Adam, shown him respect, and left him alone for the time being, which is what he really wants until you guys get rolling with the podcast.

similarly ... I like to say, "thanks for coming in"

Alternatively, you can never go wrong with a simple, low key "hey"

Hey, Ali- Ro this is Michael formerly of La. I forgot I had a Disqus account. As you can see by my profile pic thingie, I like the weak silent type.

This post made me lol. Reminds me of the good old days. And trust me when I write lol I really lol because I'm not a habitual liar. First off, Easy Pickles would be my choice of the options. If I had to come up with one on my own, I would go with:

Boss: What's goin' on?

Alison/Me: I know what you did last summer.

Nothing like a good ole mind bomb to start the day. Tick tock. Tick tock.

I've used a variant of #6 ("Oh, you know, same old shit") pretty much every day at my job for years now. Actually, the only shit that stays the same is me saying "Same old shit". I'm pretty sure people are starting to make fun of me for it...this is a subject that is worth overthinking.

How about something refined and collegiate, like "A pleasure as always, Mr. Carolla"? It makes you sound like a consummate professional, with an easy willingness to preserve distance.

"Hey HEY Hey" like Dwayne on Whats Happenin!!

Just flash him baby

"I was told not to say."

Don't worry. He won't ask, but I'll bet he takes a beat to think about it.

May I suggest busting this song out?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

After years of studying the Aceman, I believe you are reading way too much interest into his side of the greeting. He throws out a WGO jus in case there IS something he should know about, but the appropriate comeback (in my book) would just be a "hey." (if you follow it with how are you, it puts him on the hot-seat for a response, not worth it!) Now, I know you will probably not going to go for this because it is too easy and thoughtless, but as I remind my wife daily, guys are dogs and we grunt and bark at each other. It IS communication. It works. I would suggest watching a few episodes of the Adam Carolla Project and see how Ray handled this when he came on the job-site. Then just go with that.

Perfect opportunity to try out the rape whistle.

AC: WGO?
AR: Just trying to determine whether to get it on.

Alison, i myself am a true hater of the mundane, everyday "good morning" or "hey", "how was your weekend", or in your case, substitue "WGO".
what i like to do is fire back an equally vague "what's going down?" or some other short but equally non emotional question to the questioner.
this allows the questioner to decide if an answer is needed, and lets them go first. if they respond, you can smile politely while not listening and forumlate your response when they are done talking, or if they don't respond, no response is needed from you.
You both aknowledge each other's presece and get on with getting it on.

Just say something in Spanish. He'll love it.

"Evadir a la policía!" - Evading the police!
"Fantasía lesbiana!" - Lesbian fantasy!
"Tengo el mundo por el culo, hombre!" - Got the world by the ass, hombre
"Empacar chapuza!" - Packing fudge!

Hell, you can use Google translate as easily as I can.

Just respond, "you" because your boss IS what's goin on.

Adam - WGO?
Alison - Your fly is undone.

To quote the man himself; "Here's the deal..."
Adam is NOT greeting anyone on his arrival. Adam is merely ANNOUNCING his arrival. Mainly for two reasons;

1. It is sporting for the boss to let the help know that he is now in their vicinity. Sort of a "general quarters" alarm.
2. It would seem creepy for him to arrive and skulk around the workplace without uttering a sound.

He isn't seeking conversation. He is fulfilling the basic demands of social convention.

Your response to it shouldn't be flippant, snarky or crude.

The next time you find yourself fragged by one his "What's goin' on?" blasts, just look at him and give him a fine big grin. That's it. Even make with the teeth if you feel like it. Though he may not measurably react to it (it IS Adam, after all) you will convey two important, and I presume truthful sentiments;

A. "I'm glad your here!"
B. "I'm glad I"M here!"

Sometimes writers need to be reminded that the best communication is often wordless. <grin></grin>

To engage Adam you need to touch one of his rant switches. Adam isn't human he's mechanical so when he lays out the "What’s goin’ on?" you need to respond with something like:

Just sittin hear thinking about how Mayor Villarigosa is straightening out this crazy city. Love that guy.

Just planning to get a nice piece of cake. Still haven't recovered from that awful piece of pumpkin pie from last night.

Going great Ace, just got done watching a special about the careers of Sid and Marty Kroft. Genius.

....or

"What’s goin’ on?"

- Like you even fuckin care you Aspergy, Jewfro wearing motormouth.

"What’s goin’ on?"

- You, ya fuckin semi autistic gearhead. Ever heard of the concept of conversation as in let the guest talk once in a while.

"What’s goin’ on?"

I'm a lesbian. OK. Are you happy now? That's right I'm single because I'm a dyke.

"What’s goin’ on?"

- My nose, it just keeps going and going and.....

I'd just go with the short, simple "Oh. Hey, Adam!".
For clever, perhaps "Makin' the boss look good."
I also liked "Exactly" and "Stuff".

"Same shit, different day" is both honest and respectable. Adam cares about this. The insecure, over-analyzing new girl can definitely use these to shore up some confidence.

It's really not insecurity in this instance. It's observation of life's absurd little patterns. I'm capable of being insecure, don't get me wrong, but this isn't that.

1. Holy shit, 100 comments?

2. The correct answer is "hey." He is acknowledging your existence with a greeting, it would be appropriate to do the same.

3. Weird that you called yourself a weird frigid mannequin. Not in a judgmental way, but it certainly caught my attention. Frigid? Are there some things you would like to blog about?

How about a black pimp style "It do, it do!"

taking one from the pages of SNL. when asked "hows it going?" respond ala Mark Wahlberg, "Going good, say hi to your mother for me".
PS Alison i love you

Pretty obvious it's a courteous thing. Like when you say "thanks chief" to the guy handing out the towel in gentlemens club's bathroom. You're way to up in your head about it. Just think, Aceman address everyone in the office like this, why should I be any different. Actually since you're in his one year probationary period you're lucky you don't get a sideways glance and a grunt. So I guess I'm going with Easy, pickles!

Resp 1) "you tell me"
Resp 2) "crazinesses"
Resp 3) "not condoms"

I have 3 possible responses to "What's goin' on?":

1. I think my hymen grew back! I'm suddenly like a fuckin' starfish!!
2. My right nipple is sore, but my left is feelin' reeeeallly niiiicee!
3. I'm upset that I've never met a man that can splooge as much as Peter North!!

Hey you could go with "aaah you know, everyday is a struggle" just because no one expects a downer answer to the WGO, "sup?" and would be mildly amusing for the first 118 times....just never change it, same monotone each time...my $02

Easy peasy, slightly sleazy

Well, if you're stressed out about dealing with that sort of constant harassment, I'd go with an angry "how the fuck would I know!", and then just storm out. Probably never get that question again.

"What's goin' on?"
"Gettin' it on, boss. Got to get it on."

Similar to the "stuff" response but more conversational: "oh you know; things and stuff".

I like not much, and admit I have used it in the past but I'm unsure about it. If your boss asks you what's going on and you say not much, is that really what you want to admit to the person who pays your salary? Not doing much boss - great then why do we need you hanging around here doing nothing? I'm not sure of a better answer but it should be along the same lines but imply that you are busy and are a valuable asset and they'd be crazy to get rid of you. Maybe what's going on - working hard aceman!? Or got a great news segment for ya aceman!

I hate this little small talk stuff. People say these things to pretend to care and and be polite. I have responded on more than one occasion, "Do you really want to know or are you just being nice?" Freaks them out usually because they really don't know how to respond. And yes I do have a response if they say they really want to know. Quit think of all the crap that's going on in your life, yep that's what I do and use to complain about how I'm not doing okay, and by the way thanks for your insensitivity in making me think about it randomly!

If they have been "challenged" by me to think about what they are doing before, they may react in a less predictable manor, but normally I just let them off with a laugh, they respond with a nervous laugh, and usually refrain from asking me questions in the future. Just a hello. :oD

They have a word for this. I'ts called "sociopath."

Just give him a finger point and a "Yo."

What you need, Alison, is a RETORT. Not an answer, not a rejoinder, but a solid, kick-in-the-fellas RETORT! I don't have one for you...

Here is what you do. The next time he asks you WGO, tell him. It will most likely be the last time he will ask WGO forever remembering how you took him literally.

Or say something ridiculous like..."Just finished taking a huge dump."

Possible responses: My thong is really riding high today. The main rotor of the CH-53E is 79 feet in diameter, I just found out that Boston cream pie is not a pie at all but a cake. My cousin Walter was on "To Catch A Predator" Again.

"Wow that's um... Kind of personal, isn't it?" and get real serious. Wait a beat (for comedic value), and then turn to the nearest bystander, give them a grin and an exaggerated shrug and say, "It's a period thang!!"

I vote on "Exactly." The uspside is that it makes no sense.

The proper response to WGO? is "Hey."

"oh, ya know"

Well... My standard answer for What's goin on? Not much, what's goin on with you? The nice part of this is most people they really just want to talk about themselves. I mean you are then obligated to listen but at least then you don't have to share your inner feelings or tell just how much of a crap day you've had... Or is that just MY sad existence?

You could say, "You're going on, Bossman!"

Alison: Here are a couple of other possibilities:

1) Depressed janitor answer: "A whole lot of nothing."
2) Fast food worker answer: "Same old, same old."
3) Hipster answer: "Marvin Gaye is really cool, isn't he?"
4) School marm answer: "Don't you mean, what is going on?"
5) Longshot answer: "Oh, just catching up on fan e-mail I've been neglecting."

"I'm doing well, thank you, and yourself?". It sounds to me that what's bothering you is not Adam's use of meaningless greeting banter, but that it's non-conventional, low-investment meaningless greeting banter. Answering as if it were the more normal/forward "How are you today, Alison?" brings the point home. Or if you really want to confuse him, do it like I learned from Señorita Collins in 7th grade: "Muy bien, gracias. ¿Y tú?"

Potential answers based on your mood at the time:
- uninterested in having an actual conversation: "Hello."
- mildly interested in an actual conversation: "Not much. You?"
- need to have a conversation about a specific topic: "Glad you asked. I think Brian is pissing in the break room sink again."
- no specific topic in mind, but wanting some attention: "A better question might be, 'What's coming off?'" or better yet, "These panties, in just a couple of minutes."

paraphrase Spicoli.

"just chillin" is what i would probably use

Of course your answer has to be "zip it cunt"

Sometimes when I'm soundchecking and counting to ten (which is what Dawson always asks me to do) I like to blurt out little insults about Larry Miller if he's in the room, like "One, Two, Three, Larry Miller let me down, Fifteen, Seven, Forty." (I also like to pretend I don't know two plus two equals six.

BTW, didn't "Easy Pickles" used to be Adam's gay porn name?

I would have something specific in the chamber but very out there. Chinchillas are having trouble breeding on months with even numbers of days. Another day go with a "my ovaries are clenching like an angry fist." Soon he will be very wary and aware of your presence and very careful about what he asks. Just do your homework for about ten days. Your welcome. Doug in Toronto .

You realize Adam likely does not notice/care, right?

Yes. This is really more a blog post about these silly little conversational
cul-de-sacs/awkward moments than anything else.

I like the "maturbation" comment. Once a month you can change it to "menstration" to see if he is paying attention.

Respond with "just thinking about the holocaust."

In case anyone (or Alison) has not heard this bit of magic Charlie is referencing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

ha!!

Alison- dunno if you've heard it, there's a brilliant old Loveline bit with Tom Arnold and a really dumb caller that Charlie is referencing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

Charlie wins.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

"Zip it, cunt."

"just got here, why?" or his mother's response "how should I know" I like "now it is" best

Given that it's Adam we're talking about, the two appropriate responses would either be, "Yes, and... " or "Zip it, cunt"

I like Bryan's response, but make it you're own, with a "What's it to YOU, Snoopy?"

Q: Whats going on? A: "Masturbation." It'll get the aceman's attention the first day, be amusing for a few days, and will become a good routine that you'll both get used to.

Are you serious about all those possibly answers? How about replying "not much, how ya doin?" as you continue doing whatever you were doing before he walked in? Are you worried about coming off as too aloof or rude or something? You wrote a fairly lengthy blog post on this topic when it's not a difficult issue at all. What would Lynette think if she saw that you thought this much about giving your boss a pleasing answer to a question that you yourself said he's only half-expecting an answer to? Maybe you should find out what everyone in that whole warehouse he records in is up to when you get there in the evening, how all their days have been so far, any technical difficulties anyone's experiencing with any equipment, everything, and then, when Adam tosses that rhetorical greeting question your way, you can regurgitate all the information you've acquired to him?

I have a poem for you, bracket round two poem from a contestant who didn't even write in:

when Adam walks in to record for the day, he sees you look hot but that you shy away/
his "ear bud in ear" and his eye swings to you, but listen up dear, he expects no answer from the jew/
not that that's why, it's just a word that fit in, but Alison, desperation's something no one's diggin/
you fein some good sense and some wit on the show, but now we can see your insecurity aglow/
you fancy yourself a writer with that word 'askance' and smooth style, but how about you pause, think objectively for a while/
what ladder's there to climb, giving him the best response? you'd be much better off with cool poise, nonchalance/
"Well Donnie's stoned out of his mind," "Brian's still beating his cancer"; you think you're a star on the rise with those answers?
Just be chill and stop writing, unless about pregnancy; and stop worrying about this perceived exigency.

Short answer to your first question: No, I'm not serious about those possible answers!

i think adam got a little taken aback by the sidekick union hint maybe thinking you were implying being underpaid. Or maybe hes getting heat at home because of the chemistry you to have got at least on the air. These are a couple theories im throwing out. I enjoy your pg 13 musings and you can still recipricate well on the down and dirty stuff which makes you the perfect mistress

More likely the guy who posted that was being a stupid dickface. I'm pretty sure, like 85 - 90%

3 and then 6 when you're feeling saucy.

"Yeah it is!"

Nada, you?
Not much, you?
SOS!
Smart phone, mp3 player, or just a headset. Have them on when you walk in. Then only a nod and a smile if he starts waving frantically.

I say keep it short and think about whether you can say this thing every single day without it being lame by the third day. Can't go wrong with the Hank Kingsley, Hey now!

*Slap*
It doesn't help, it would just be hilarious.
or...
Begin a long-winded discourse on anything chick related and wait for the exasperate grunted sigh that goes something like 'AUghGHGhghgh'.

Not much you is the correct answer Ryan Patrick. Anyone who listens to NPR knows this.

Alison you are so better than that.
The appropriate response is "Snakes!" But on every third day, "Spiders! Everywhere!"

An alternate tack would be to respond with something incredibly feminine and personal, because nothing makes Carolla more uncomfortable. Such as "setting a record for UTIs in one month" or "bra sweat." You get the idea.

"Bra sweat," has a certain something I like.

"What's going on" is just his way of saying Hi. In the interest of brevity and maintaining that non-committal "I really don't care what's going on...I'm just saying hi" thing Adam is doing, just throw back a " 'Sup!? " You don't really care what's up....you're just saying hi.

There...crisis averted.

How bout "what it is, what it was, what it will be". I don't remember where that quote was from, maybe Freddie "boom boom" Washington from Welcome Back Kotter. I bet Adam would know it

The response "Good! You?" is a sarcastic answer to a question not asked, but it might piss him off.
You could respond with a question like "What's cookin'?" or "What cooks?". His hyper-vigilance might force him to respond. Good luck!

I like number 7 and I like number 4. Do you want to create more mystique around you or do you want to make him laugh? I kind of like number 1 for a Sunday or Monday night, actually.
How about "Another day, another blowjob"? That was from the book _Go Ask Alice_.

Go Ask Alison was possibly going to be the title of my fake recovery memoir! But not enough people were familiar with Go Ask Alice!

See, I think that's genius:)

I agree with Lloyd

Anything which elicits a reply from AC is definitely a no-no. The seemingly innocuous "Fine, and how are you?" better have 15 minutes of intense listening attached, for you're in for a rant about how ridiculous it is for weddings to serve cake instead of the world-wide preferred pie.

If you insist, you can merely test him to see if he's listening. "WGO?" "Seriously dating a midget. Tournament Of Rosen is cancelled", or "Thinking about wearing panties again". But I think the best response is one which lets AC know you heard him, but also shows his current path isn't on any map. "WGO?" "Holdin' more water than an RV radiator, Chief" (bosses like to be called "Chief"). My personal favorite is hold your phone to your ear, and act like you're listening to someone. Smile, and hold up the 1-finger "I'll be with you in a minute" gesture. Your phone REALLY rings (I recommend Maneater as a ringtone), and you are now officially "one of the gang", because you'll have been busted trying to pull one over on the great and powerful Aceman. Or, you can just "zip it".