Archive for October, 2010
Dammit, stoners!
Naturally I have a google alert set to my name. Usually I just receive news of my own blog posts and occasional bikini contests however today I learned my video with Michael Showalter about a ton of stuff but not including pot smoking has been included on a site called How To Smoke Weed. See the above alert. You can imagine the pride with which I am beaming.
Talk of pot seems to be sticking to me like resin ever since I jokingly mentioned the phrase “dank nugs” on my show on Sunday. You guys, I was joking. I’m far too boring to smoke pot these days, though I’m in favor of people being free to do what they wish, so long as I don’t have to try to converse with them after they’ve done it.
But my oeuvre is not without the occasional pot story. Here, love this. But keep in mind it’s from 2000 and not that great.
Also, took me like six tries to type oeuvre.
P.S. I can’t remember what’s actually in the video with Showalter. For all I know we did talk about pot but I don’t think so. But now I’m suddenly remembering that we did talk about drugs in a radio interview. But still.
Important announcement
I think it’s time to shake things up. My new go-to adjective is going to be “Oscar-nominated” and my catchphrase? “That’s so Raven.” Can’t wait to use my new Oscar-nominated catchphrase which is so Raven. You know?
True or False moving quiz
When packing, it’s a good idea to stop and read old magazines as you come across them.
When packing, it’s a good idea to invent a moving quiz which will require frequent blog updates.
Unsure what to do with leftovers and scrap paper? Whip up a delicious egg white and old receipts frittata! (Garnish with paper clips and pennies)
When you find an emergency rain poncho, don’t just stand there, put it on!!!!!1
“Oooooh, lip gloss!!” is the kind of thought that will keep you motivated and on task
It gets messier before it gets cleaner
The above sentence is English
Trash, Carrot Shavings and The Salem Fart Trial
Remember when I told you I’d written some stories about feeling like a misfit growing up? Here’s another one. You’re welcome.
The high school where I served my tour of duty had an open campus policy for upper school. This meant if you were in eleventh or twelfth grade you could do as you pleased during lunch but if you were in ninth or tenth grade you were stuck on campus like a prisoner. It wasn’t fair! I needed to breathe! I needed to hop in my car and drive 20 feet away and then drive back about 20 minutes later, like a civilized adult! Why was the school depriving me of my freedom? Most sophomores didn’t pay heed to the Draconian rules. As there was no one to prevent them from driving off campus, they just did so as if it was their right and no one was the wiser. Back they’d come, toting purloined booty from nearby far-off lands—a ketchup blob on the upper lip that glistened like no cafeteria ketchup I’d ever known. A rich burp redolent with the scent of Dr. Pepper when everyone knew the only prune-flavored beverage the high school threw its government money behind was watery Mr. Pibb. The most brazen Read the rest of this entry »
About the Mad Men season finale
I’m sitting here waiting for the mover to come and give me an estimate and I should probably be doing something moving related, like throwing out stuff or packing but instead I’m going to sit here writing a blog post about Mad Men because I am very devil may care and also I’m totally over moving. I don’t enjoy it on any level. I think it’s for assholes.
I’d just like to point out that in episode 2 of season 4, Dr. Faye Miller said to Don, when he asked her to dinner (she declined) that he’d be married within a year. So really his engagement wasn’t so out of the blue since it was not only foreshadowed, but predicted.
That is all.
Look at all this crap
As I begin the arduous process of packing up my apartment and determining what goes with me to California and what stays behind to get tossed, donated or sold, I’m faced with the daunting task of figuring out what to do with the following:
my football phone
a collection of twist ties from loaves of bread
A Franklin Mint collector’s plate of “Scarlet and Her Suitors”
A small sculpture of a labradoodle made entirely of raisins
A large sculpture of a labradoodle made entirely of raisins
Franklin, from the Franklin Mint
syringes
salami
my collection of blood oranges
various zithers and lutes
1 autoharp
1 manual harp
assorted pairs of corduroy pants in men’s extra large
hair bows
bow ties
a well-worn scirocco
a gently-used scirocco
a brand new scirocco
a pile of parking tickets
18 remote controls
19 appliances
600 batteries
15 million roles of Kodak film
14 billion calligraphy pen ink cartridges
a rain forest
five footballs fields filled with sports fans
a banana (ripe)
clown shoes (matching pair, scuffed)
beef jerky
My adulthood is perishable
I have a lot of things I need to talk about but I can only talk about some of them and so I’m going to say up front that this blog post is going to be frustrating and self-indulgent and probably melodramatic. It’s also going to be lemon-scented and square-shaped. It will not have wings. Read the rest of this entry »
My Imaginary Sister Jane
This will probably come as a giant surprise to you, but I wasn’t the coolest kid growing up. In fact, I was kind of a dork. I hope you didn’t just take a sip of anything and then spit it all over yourself when I dropped that bomb. I’ve been writing some stories about all of this, stories which are true, and I’ve decided to excerpt them. And by excerpt I mean copy-and-paste. Here’s is one. Please love it. Or don’t. I don’t really care because that’s how cool I am now. (Like Ronnie advised Sam in the Jersey Shore house, I’m just doing “me.”) Read the rest of this entry »
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