Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

Hello from the hospital

Hi everyone! As many of you know, one of my family members has been going through some unexpected medical stuff and whereas I like to blab my news to everyone whose path I cross, especially online, this person isn’t ready to be treated differently and to have people come up and say, “How are you feeling? Are you ok?” with a concerned look on their face and so I can only vaguely talk about it. In fact, I’ve decided I’m going to give this person a fake name: Marvin. Except Marvin might be female or might be male. I’m not saying just yet. Anyway, Marvin was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday to have a big operation and while doing the operation they found the thing they were looking for, or rather, the thing they suspected might be there (a pastrami sandwich, a parakeet and a personalized keyring) and so Marvin is now recovering from surgery. Once Marvin fully recovers a plan will be put in place for how to treat aforementioned pastrami, parakeet and keyring. Also, in case anyone is wondering: this all sucks. I’m sure there’s a positive way of seeing this and I’m presenting the very positive way of seeing this to Marvin since it’s important when discussing parakeets to stay focused on the present but I really hate seeing Marvin all drugged and weak and scared and also Marvin fell over the morning of the surgery so Marvin has a cut and a bruise on his/her forehead from falling from the toilet into the shower. That has nothing to do with the parakeets or Marvin’s condition, just that Marvin was tired and wobbly and half awake and fell asleep on the toilet so poor Marvin has to wear a wrist bracelet that says “fall risk.” I keep joking that I’m going to change it to “fart risk” because I feel, in situations like this, it’s best not to overwhelm them with anything close to actual humor.