Archive | 2010

It’s 11:08 am in CA on December 30. As I tweeted this morning, it’s New Year’s Eve Eve and not too early to begin counting down if you start with a gigantic number or count really slowly. Anyway, I’m going to liveblog the remaining moments of 2010 because a meaningful life isn’t about places or things, it’s about people. In this case I mean me.

11:12 Took a shower.

11:16 Just sent a text message.

11:17  I probably could have said, “Just sent a text,” and you’d know what I mean but I clarified because I don’t want you to think I sent a text book.

11:20 Sent someone a text book.

11:23 Getting ready to blow dry my hair. Sometimes it takes me a little while to get to it. In the New Year I will compress the time in between showering and blow drying so that eventually I am blow drying in the shower.

11:25 Blow drying in the shower! What a brilliant time saver! I probably should have been an inventor of some sort.

11:28 Still haven’t begun blow drying.

11:29 If I were an inventor I bet I’d get a lot of questions about being a female inventor and whether I faced discrimination and if it was tough coming up in the inventor world without female role models.

11:30 My role model was Geppetto.

2:23 Just sent an email.

2:23.5 It stands for “electronic mail.” Duh.

2:24 I should probably do some things since I have things I need to do  however I just sent a message to a couple friends saying we have 32 hours to come up with NYE plans which is not only enough time to come up with plans it’s also enough time to murder someone, if this were a movie involving a caper resulting in murder. One friend responded that if they just murder me then they don’t  have to find plans. I feel loved.

2:28 How did I arrive at 32 hours you’re wondering? I used an abacus.

2:30 “abacus” made me think of “albatross” which I wanted to share with you since we’re sharing things.

2:31 Don’t touch that!

3:23 Just went diving into some of the boxes I brought out from New York in a vain attempt to find some makeup I know I packed. Now I just feel worn out and frustrated. How am I supposed to dress up like a cat tomorrow night if I can’t find my makeup? 2011 is going to suck.

7:46 My friend recanted his plan to murder me which I really hope isn’t some fancy way of throwing me off the trail. I hate a surprise New Year’s murder. Also, I forgot to update this liveblog while I was out. That’s kind of friend I am—terrible and flaky.

7:51 While I was out flaking on you and this blog I bought some mushroom boots. Not special boots shaped like mushrooms but boots in a color described as “mushroom” which, when you think about it, is kind of gross. (I know because I already thought about it.) Also I went to Nordstrom’s Rack. Know what the best thing about Nordstrom’s Rack is? Leaving.

7:53 I’m a little sniffly. And this is going on.

8:05 I almost bought a dress at Nordstrom’s Rack without trying it on because I wanted so badly to get out of there but then I decided to just try it on and it’s a good thing I did because it looked ridiculous! It totally brought out the weird bump near my eye. Did I say bump? Bumps. Like as if a set of breasts are growing near my eye. Eye nipples.

8:07 I’m exaggerating. I’m not sprouting ocular nipples.

8:07 Of course, that’s exactly what a person sprouting ocular nipples would say, is it not?

8:07 Oh! I forgot to tell you that for Xmas (suck it, people who have a problem with me spelling it Xmas) my mom got me one of those doodleybobs (not their real name) that lets you listen to your iPod in your car over the FM transmitter. Or something like that. Well anyway this doodleybob doesn’t work well at all and you’d be surprised at the way listening to intermittent static with moments of incomprehensible voices in it isn’t relaxing.

8:13 NOT RELAXING AT ALL!

8:14 Uh oh, my eyes are lactating.

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9:36AM New Year’s Eve! I’m up and I’ve already had a cup of Spicy Eggnog flavored coffee and already made a phone call. I am seriously getting shit done. (Shit = calling Costco and looking something up on the internet)

9:38 thinking about going on a walk

9:39 I think I should call Koryn. I haven’t actually spoken to her on the phone since I left New York. Can you believe that? I can’t. Time has been all weird and jiggly since I moved here.

9:40 The above is not a reference to Dali.

9:54 Is there a way to scroll through old MySpace blogs without actually having to see each and every blog entry? Years ago I recapped a number of New Year’s Eves and I’m trying to find the blog post now but it’s taking forever because I keep having to hit the “more” tab and go through every single blog post I ever wrote over there. Damn you, MySpace, and your terrible navigation with the possible caveat that I am missing some obvious way to do this quickly!

1:11 pm Got back from taking a long walk. At one point I went into a store and was offered champagne. Who are the people who accept champagne while on a walk before noon?

1:12 On this walk I discussed New Year’s Eve with a friend and told him, “You are my first choice… and my last resort.” Then I was thinking my sister should incorporate that into her vows and then I thought more about it and realized it’s the kind of thing which sounds nice coming out of your mouth but probably doesn’t feel so great if you’re on the receiving end of it.

1:13 I found it! I found the MySpace post I was looking for!

Stroke of midnight (written on Dec. 27, 2004)

I used to place a lot of importance on New Years Eve just as I used to place a lot of importance on birthdays and Christmas and, I guess that’s it. Now that I’ve reached the advanced age of OLD I realize that none of it really matters anyway, not in a nihilistic way but just in the sense that time goes so fast and if one holiday sucks there’s another right behind. So but last night I was trying to recall where I was for new years as far back as I can remember. To wit: 2003/2004: At a tv-comedy-writer-nerd party. There was fondue. I smoked pot with a guy who’d fallen through a glass coffee table and had enriched the story with all the drama and pathos possible. Everyone knew he’d worked and reworked the story down into a routine basically, filled with blood and 911 and near-death, and so I had to hear it for myself. I later saw him on McEnroe. He bombed. I’m sorry, guy. At the stroke of midnight I gingerly kissed my date and then later called the other guy I was dating who I liked better. The New Years date was the one who I thought I should like and the other guy was the one I wished I didn’t like. And it was early enough that it was cool that I was dating two people so quit judging me, you. 2002/2003: In the bathroom. Seriously. At my friend’s surprisingly huge East Village apartment with roof access. I heard the countdown and thought about trying to get out there to find my date but making my way through the throng of people to find him, and he wasn’t the tallest guy, would have been impossible. So I leisurely put on lip gloss. 2001/2002: Detroit and then La Cave and then a misunderstanding where a guy thought he was going to bamboozle my roommate and me into a threesome. We’re unbamboozleable. And even if we weren’t, offering to let us peel his sunburn wasn’t going to cue up the bump and grind soundtrack anyway, if you know what I mean. Which you do. Yuck. 2000/2001: At an overpriced frat-boy overrun karaoke parlor in the East Village. It wasn’t fun. 1999/2000: Costa Mesa party at our drummer’s house and then funny but embarrassing shenanigans which shall go unsaid since you don’t know me well enough to be able to put them in the proper context. Suffice it to say, it was Y2Krazee! 1998/1999: Was this the year I went to a party at our drummer’s house again with the smooth-yet-kinda-sociopathic hacker? And then a party in Seal Beach? Rob? Mike? Was that 98/99? 1997/1998: Torribio’s famous New Year’s Eve party, I think. But hazy, so hazy. To Be Continued: upcoming years include wrapping my car around a post, watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and indecision.

6:00pm I ran some errands and now I’m back and totally ready to hit the town if I don’t fall asleep which I very well might. And the thing is I convinced my friends that we HAVE TO do something tonight. I’m that kind of asshole. I feel like I’ve been this kind of asshole before. Also I feel kind of bad about the 2003/2004 New Year’s in the above blog post especially since the guy and I are still in touch and he’s moved on and then some and I feel like I let a good one get away. What am I even saying? I don’t know, it’s the wild cherry flavored water talking. I should probably take a shower. Every day this shower bullshit comes up!

6:37 I just got out of the shower and while I was in the shower I was thinking back on this past year and how I want to thank all the awesome viewers of my show and all the people I’ve come to feel like I know through the internet and then I was thinking I wanted to just name some people but then I was worried I’d leave someone out and so perhaps I shouldn’t name people but all you special people know who you are and I want to thank you so much for everything.

10:09 Happy New Year! I’m headed out but I’ll probably keep updating so check my twitter if you need more me, which you certainly do! See you next year! (Or in a little while!)

This is day 3 of waking up with a certain song in my head. I’m not going to tell you the song lest it gets stuck in your head as well although actually it’s not a terrible song. But I just feel there’s a protocol to discussing songs being stuck in your head which requires you keep the specific song title to yourself until you’ve secured permission to go ahead and name the song. Otherwise it’s akin to aural rape. So anyway though this song has been in my head every morning for possibly even longer than 3 days and it’s beginning to drive me nuts. Not so much the song but the why. WHY is this song in my head? I retraced my steps to see if there’s anything I’m encountering early in the morning which is putting the lyrics in my head, if swatches of the lyrics are written anywhere, but I haven’t found any likely culprits.

In other news, I went to a party last night and saw a bunch of my CA friends and had such a good time and was reminded that it’s good to be social and to have friends and to actually see those friends and be involved in their lives and vice versa. Yet it’s so easy for me to just make the decision not to go out and to stay at home wearing stretchy pants and fucking around on the internet. Maybe that should be my New Year’s resolution? Less stretchy pantsed internet fucking? It’s not going to be, but maybe it should be.

My sister and I like to invent games which other people tend not to appreciate nearly as much as we do which I’ve always chalked up to the fact we’re lightning years ahead of our time. In the future, everyone will play the following game:

Nasty Ass: Someone mentions a category of items and then you have to name a specific thing in that group that you personally find to be unpleasant. There is a twist, however, a subtle nuance if you will, in that there can’t be anything inherently gross about the item, it just has to be something you personally find unappealing. This is a distinction not everyone understands. So for example if the category is Nasty Ass breadstuffs you could say “jalapeno muffin” or “banana nut loaf” but you could not say “moldy bread.” Or if the category is Nasty Ass furniture you could say “wicker” but you could not say “a desk with barf all over it.” The game is admittedly ill-named because people hear “nasty ass” and think they’re supposed to come up with something disgusting. Maybe it should be called “I don’t care for that, personally, though I  know some other people do.” Except we want to one day make a “12 Months of Nasty Ass” calendar and each month will feature a large photo of a Nasty Ass (by our definition) item and frankly, “12 Months of Items We Don’t Care For Personally Though We Realize Some Other People Do” would never fly off a spinner rack.