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This one's sad.

Twelve years ago someone close to me died. If you’d have known me at the time it was all I really talked about and I also wrote poetry about it and strange prose poems and short stories and marveled at the way the pain caused this preponderance of words, this spillage, really, and not the frozen numbed out wordlessness you’d expect. If I may be precious for a moment, you could say the pain existed in hypercolor, even though when I remember that period of time it’s usually in a smudgy grays. Pardon me, I think I made myself puke.

Anyway, and this is a tangent, but I still feel a bit sheepish about the fact that I so clearly allowed everyone around me to witness my mourning but perhaps even more sheepish that my mourning outfit consisted mostly of black leggings, various shiny shirts and a black fake fur coat which I used to quip was made either of poodle or gorilla. I also wore an animal print scarf around my neck because I was playing in the band at this point and we were all about fake fur and animal print. I wore this whole ensemble in the summer in the  height of my wanting to disappear, which is ironic. It was around this time that my car died and I had to get a  new one which felt like a colossal bummer and yet another example of the way the world was cruel and sucked because I really liked that first car and I really didn’t feel like being a part of any world which would steal the life of my friend and somehow test driving cars and dropping umpteen thousands of dollars on one felt like compliance. But I had shit to do and places to go so I dragged my heels and shlumped along to various car dealerships with my mom who was gently urging me toward life. I almost bought an Integra which is a smallish car but at the last  minute I worried I would feel claustrophobic in this car with my amp in the back and my furry coat around me in the front and so I bought a Honda Accord. I bought a larger car specifically for the coat. That’s how much I clung to that mourning outfit. Incidentally, I no longer have the coat but I still have the car and still hate it with all my might. (My first car also was a Honda Accord but there was a massive redesign in the intervening years.)

That was a long tangent. What I was saying was twelve years ago I was a sad furry thing but I worked through a fair amount of all that and the rest of it just kind of receded and now I barely think of any of it except for the death anniversary which usually hits me just a little. So anyway tonight I was reading Twitter and I read something singer Kristin Hersh (Throwing Muses) said and then I went to her web site and was reading the message boards and there was a mention of someone who covered one of her songs—“Your Ghost”—on Grey’s Anatomy and I remembered that I’d heard that song on the show and wondered who covered it and was meaning to check.

Then I started thinking about the song which, if you haven’t heard it, below is the video,


Kristin Hersh – “Your Ghost” (featuring Michael Stipe)

Laura | MySpace Video

and wondered what the lyrics were, even though I knew them already, so I looked them up and as I was reading them it just all hit me again, both because I think I must have been listening to that song around the time he died and also because the lyrics brought back the memory of wanting so badly to call his house after he died to see if  his voice was still on the answering machine and just because I felt like I still had this special number which could bring me a tiny bit closer to something which was now permanently out of reach.

And then I just started crying like I haven’t cried in about twelve years. Full body paroxysms, which I’m kind of having as I type this actually.

I recall my therapist at the time saying that the thing about mourning is that if you don’t work through all of it it’s likely to just sneak up on you one day because the unconcious has no sense of time. Perhaps this is true but I can tell you for a fact that my unconcious has never been late for a movie or lunch date and is usually a few minutes early even!

What was I saying? I don’t know, I got tired of saying it all. It’s just weird the way something can suddenly bring everything up again, especially when you’re trying to get other stuff done.

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31 Responses to This one's sad.

  1. Andrew Cardona October 19, 2009 at 9:13 pm #

    siento mucho my condolences. I know its hard to deal with the loss of a loved one. I was the pallbearer for my grandmother. I was in Roswell the weekend before she passed. My car needed new struts. I wanted to get back to college and hang with my friends that I didn't see her. April 1st I got word that she passed away, for some reason I was home with my family. I never got so show Grandma my tattoo, and when I see it, my heart breaks. I listen to “Lift me Up” by Kate Voegele as I did during the long and devastating trek to the cemetery. And I gain some solace that a random song can help me. My tattoo is on my left shoulder and reads “Where Words Fail Music Speaks.” I remember that my cousin Adeni walked up to me and held my shoulder for a minute not saying anything but speaking volumes. Even though the guilt of my selfishness was eating at me, I began to rise up and pull myself together and remembered that no matter how bad I felt I still had family. And now that I'm fighting with my Uncle, I'm thinking to myself what would my Grandmother think?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCbXTIq4dTU Link to the vid.

    I can barely type this knowing that I'm bearing my soul to you and everyone here, while listening to Lift Me Up. Someone will always know what to say, albeit in music or spoken from a friend or stranger.

  2. alisonrosen October 19, 2009 at 9:42 pm #

    That was beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing that.

  3. Andrew Cardona October 19, 2009 at 10:06 pm #

    I'm glad you think so. I just got home from a small drive listening to music I did at Grandma's funeral. I hope I helped you in someway. I think finally writing it down and seeing it helped me deal with it. I'm still afraid to be selfish, which I guess is why I'm selfless lately.

  4. Eric Ovalle October 19, 2009 at 10:32 pm #

    Alison, I hope in writing and experiencing this you find yourself more at peace.

    A good friend of mine was in a fatal accident on my birthday, and I am reminded each year that as I turn older, he will remain young forever. We were going to collaborate on a book, and it would have been the best “job” I'd ever have. If anything, I am inspired to have more fun and joke around so that I will not consider a life unlived.

    I hope your wit and humor lift your spirits the way you lift others'.

    Course there's always Pop Rocks.

  5. TrappDog October 19, 2009 at 10:44 pm #

    I guess it never really leaves us. I got my first heavy dose of reality when my mom died of cancer when I was 12. I don't suppose I ever really recovered, but it's different when you're that young. Survival is the thing. There's too much to do to focus on the sadness.

    Then, when you're older, a loss affects you more profoundly. I've been in a similar place, not wanting to embrace life. I guess what has saved me has been the belief that the spirit doesn't die, and also the knowledge that other people have had it worse. I know a couple who lost a young child. How can I let myself give up, when they don't?

    Maybe if there is a purpose in life, if we're earning our way, so to speak, then the biggest challenge is to endure the sadness of loss. It takes a great capacity for love, to feel such loss. Maybe to pick ourselves up and love again, despite the risk, is the greatest expression of faith.

    At times like this, it's good to remind ourselves that while we can, we must let our light shine, and share that with the world. On December 25th, we celebrate the birthday of one who taught about such things, and inspires us to embrace life with a spirit of joy. Yes, that's right. Ted.

    Oh yeah, and Jesus of Nazareth.

  6. vronsfan2005 October 19, 2009 at 8:13 pm #

    siento mucho my condolences. I know its hard to deal with the loss of a loved one. I was the pallbearer for my grandmother. I was in Roswell the weekend before she passed. My car needed new struts. I wanted to get back to college and hang with my friends that I didn’t see her. April 1st I got word that she passed away, for some reason I was home with my family. I never got so show Grandma my tattoo, and when I see it, my heart breaks. I listen to “Lift me Up” by Kate Voegele as I did during the long and devastating trek to the cemetery. And I gain some solace that a random song can help me. My tattoo is on my left shoulder and reads “Where Words Fail Music Speaks.” I remember that my cousin Adeni walked up to me and held my shoulder for a minute not saying anything but speaking volumes. Even though the guilt of my selfishness was eating at me, I began to rise up and pull myself together and remembered that no matter how bad I felt I still had family. And now that I’m fighting with my Uncle, I’m thinking to myself what would my Grandmother think?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCbXTIq4dTU Link to the vid.

    I can barely type this knowing that I’m bearing my soul to you and everyone here, while listening to Lift Me Up. Someone will always know what to say, albeit in music or spoken from a friend or stranger.

  7. Alison Rosen October 19, 2009 at 8:42 pm #

    Andrew, that was beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing that.

  8. Ted_Goodlove October 19, 2009 at 11:57 pm #

    Well Alison you have touched me once again through your writing….if no one told you today, you are one of the best writers hands down! Although I love to joke around with you and your blog friends, on occasion even I will open up! I know I've written about the loss of my daughter to illness before…it's amazing to think she would have been 12 now. That whole deal you wrote about pain sneaking up on you….yeah it happens! Her birth and death were both in October so this is the month that I'd like to skip every year…..is Christmas here yet!?!?!?

    The real me sends you a hug and thanks you for being you…….Ted B. Goodlove slaps you on the ass and says, “Get back in the game Rosen!”

  9. vronsfan2005 October 19, 2009 at 9:06 pm #

    I’m glad you think so. I just got home from a small drive listening to music I did at Grandma’s funeral. I hope I helped you in someway. I think finally writing it down and seeing it helped me deal with it. I’m still afraid to be selfish, which I guess is why I’m selfless lately.

  10. alisonrosen October 20, 2009 at 12:10 am #

    You guys have both put tears in my eyes and made me laugh with your comments tonight. Thank you so much.

  11. Eric Ovalle October 19, 2009 at 9:32 pm #

    Alison, I hope in writing and experiencing this you find yourself more at peace.

    A good friend of mine was in a fatal accident on my birthday, and I am reminded each year that as I turn older, he will remain young forever. We were going to collaborate on a book, and it would have been the best “job” I’d ever have. If anything, I am inspired to have more fun and joke around so that I will not consider a life unlived.

    I hope your wit and humor lift your spirits the way you lift others’.

    Course there’s always Pop Rocks.

  12. TrappDog October 19, 2009 at 9:44 pm #

    I guess it never really leaves us. I got my first heavy dose of reality when my mom died of cancer when I was 12. I don’t suppose I ever really recovered, but it’s different when you’re that young. Survival is the thing. There’s too much to do to focus on the sadness.

    Then, when you’re older, a loss affects you more profoundly. I’ve been in a similar place, not wanting to embrace life. I guess what has saved me has been the belief that the spirit doesn’t die, and also the knowledge that other people have had it worse. I know a couple who lost a young child. How can I let myself give up, when they don’t?

    Maybe if there is a purpose in life, if we’re earning our way, so to speak, then the biggest challenge is to endure the sadness of loss. It takes a great capacity for love, to feel such loss. Maybe to pick ourselves up and love again, despite the risk, is the greatest expression of faith.

    At times like this, it’s good to remind ourselves that while we can, we must let our light shine, and share that with the world. On December 25th, we celebrate the birthday of one who taught about such things, and inspires us to embrace life with a spirit of joy. Yes, that’s right. Ted.

    Oh yeah, and Jesus of Nazareth.

  13. Ted_Goodlove October 19, 2009 at 10:57 pm #

    Well Alison you have touched me once again through your writing….if no one told you today, you are one of the best writers hands down! Although I love to joke around with you and your blog friends, on occasion even I will open up! I know I’ve written about the loss of my daughter to illness before…it’s amazing to think she would have been 12 now. That whole deal you wrote about pain sneaking up on you….yeah it happens! Her birth and death were both in October so this is the month that I’d like to skip every year…..is Christmas here yet!?!?!?

    The real me sends you a hug and thanks you for being you…….Ted B. Goodlove slaps you on the ass and says, “Get back in the game Rosen!”

  14. Alison Rosen October 19, 2009 at 11:10 pm #

    You guys have both put tears in my eyes and made me laugh with your comments tonight. Thank you so much.

  15. boinkity October 21, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    After a couple days, I am still not sure how to respond to this post that Alison has shared with us. It touches the heart, and forces one to think about their own experiences. Alas, I don't have the courage as some of you. I can't share what has happened to me because it is so personal to me. There was sadness, and guilt, and confused feelings that I experienced. Is this all part of the human experience? Does everyone have to deal with these difficult moments to gain better understanding of self? All I am willing to share is that I know the person that I lost loved me, and wouldn't want me to feel the emotions that I did feel. When I was able to realize that, it really helped me look at life from the perspective that goodness can come from tragedy if one makes the effort.

  16. boinkity October 21, 2009 at 10:11 am #

    After a couple days, I am still not sure how to respond to this post that Alison has shared with us. It touches the heart, and forces one to think about their own experiences. Alas, I don’t have the courage as some of you. I can’t share what has happened to me because it is so personal to me. There was sadness, and guilt, and confused feelings that I experienced. Is this all part of the human experience? Does everyone have to deal with these difficult moments to gain better understanding of self? All I am willing to share is that I know the person that I lost loved me, and wouldn’t want me to feel the emotions that I did feel. When I was able to realize that, it really helped me look at life from the perspective that goodness can come from tragedy if one makes the effort.

  17. Anonymous October 21, 2009 at 4:45 pm #

    “I was expecting your usual practice of posting some funny observation of the current events. Nevertheless, I wish you well…..”

  18. Anonymous October 21, 2009 at 3:45 pm #

    “I was expecting your usual practice of posting some funny observation of the current events. Nevertheless, I wish you well…..”

  19. Ted_Goodlove October 21, 2009 at 10:17 pm #

    Damn buddy, I tried like 5 times to reply to your post and can't find the right words….I just don't express myself in writing very well…..but if we were at the RosenFan Club luncheon, I'd buy us all a few rounds to drown our sorrows.

    In the meantime, I glanced to the right of the screen and re-read the farts thread.

  20. boinkity October 21, 2009 at 10:24 pm #

    I know! Wassup with all the sad posts!?!? You made Alison cry!! You fat meanie head! It's cool though. One can never laugh if they don't know what it means to cry. I wonder if someone famous said that, or if I just made that up in my head? I'll never know. I don't know any cool sayings. :p

    I'd rather you buy drinks so we can laugh a lot than for the sorrows dude!

  21. Ted_Goodlove October 21, 2009 at 10:34 pm #

    I bet Alison would put a limit on drinks allowed…..probably only let Joe have Shirley Temples as well! We will have to sneak some juice into the event Boink!

  22. boinkity October 21, 2009 at 10:50 pm #

    but you made Alison cry! And Joe is probably crying too cuz he knows that he never gets anything but Shirley Temples!

  23. Anonymous October 21, 2009 at 11:45 pm #

    “I was expecting your usual practice of posting some funny observation of the current events. Nevertheless, I wish you well…..”

  24. Ted_Goodlove October 21, 2009 at 9:17 pm #

    Damn buddy, I tried like 5 times to reply to your post and can’t find the right words….I just don’t express myself in writing very well…..but if we were at the RosenFan Club luncheon, I’d buy us all a few rounds to drown our sorrows.

    In the meantime, I glanced to the right of the screen and re-read the farts thread.

  25. boinkity October 21, 2009 at 9:24 pm #

    I know! Wassup with all the sad posts!?!? You made Alison cry!! You fat meanie head! It’s cool though. One can never laugh if they don’t know what it means to cry. I wonder if someone famous said that, or if I just made that up in my head? I’ll never know. I don’t know any cool sayings. :p

    I’d rather you buy drinks so we can laugh a lot than for the sorrows dude!

  26. Ted_Goodlove October 21, 2009 at 9:34 pm #

    I bet Alison would put a limit on drinks allowed…..probably only let Joe have Shirley Temples as well! We will have to sneak some juice into the event Boink!

    Speaking of drinks…..I prefer Dos Equis w/Lime (Green Bottle)

    Alison can you punish Boink for calling me a “fat meanie head!”

  27. boinkity October 21, 2009 at 9:50 pm #

    but you made Alison cry! And Joe is probably crying too cuz he knows that he never gets anything but Shirley Temples!

  28. Ted_Goodlove October 22, 2009 at 5:17 am #

    Damn buddy, I tried like 5 times to reply to your post and can't find the right words….I just don't express myself in writing very well…..but if we were at the RosenFan Club luncheon, I'd buy us all a few rounds to drown our sorrows.

    In the meantime, I glanced to the right of the screen and re-read the farts thread.

  29. boinkity October 22, 2009 at 5:24 am #

    I know! Wassup with all the sad posts!?!? You made Alison cry!! You fat meanie head! It's cool though. One can never laugh if they don't know what it means to cry. I wonder if someone famous said that, or if I just made that up in my head? I'll never know. I don't know any cool sayings. :p

    I'd rather you buy drinks so we can laugh a lot than for the sorrows dude!

  30. Ted_Goodlove October 22, 2009 at 5:34 am #

    I bet Alison would put a limit on drinks allowed…..probably only let Joe have Shirley Temples as well! We will have to sneak some juice into the event Boink!

    Speaking of drinks…..I prefer Dos Equis w/Lime (Green Bottle)

    Alison can you punish Boink for calling me a “fat meanie head!”

  31. boinkity October 22, 2009 at 5:50 am #

    but you made Alison cry! And Joe is probably crying too cuz he knows that he never gets anything but Shirley Temples!

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