Archive for July, 2009
Goodbye, thumb modeling career
A lot of people I know are expecting me to hurt myself on a bike but I totally showed them by hurting myself on a vacuum! It all happened very quickly as I was trying to change the belt. One minute I was huffing and puffing and forcing something, as you’re supposed to do when dealing with machinery, and the next minute I was yelling “ouch!” and holding my thumb and watching the blood pool where a flap of skin used to be—skin that was scrunched up but still attached like a little skin ruffle. It was quite demure and charming.
Now I’ll never be a thumb model! (photo taken during healing)
Being a doctor’s daughter I kept my cool head and suggested I have a seat in the waiting room where I perused Highlights magazine and some outdated issues of Outdoor Living. Then I called my name and asked myself to fill out some paperwork. “Is this really necessary?” I asked? “It’s for our files,” I said while filing my nails. “Whatever,” I mumbled and then took my seat again. Then I counted ceiling tiles. What could be taking me so long? Finally my insurance cleared and I was called in to see myself. After answering a battery of questions which I really don’t think pertained to my thumb injury at all (When was my last menstrual cycle? Any history of pulmonary dysfunction? What’s my favorite color?) I began to get testy. Seeing as I was getting testy, I shot myself with a tranquilizer dart and wheeled myself into the ER. “Let’s save a life” I said, staring at my thumb. Then I washed the cut with soap and water and hopped around because it was stinging and then I very carefully pushed the flap of skin back over the wound, first seasoning it with paprika and putting a pat of butter in there so it would bake to a crisp golden brown. My dad commended me on covering the cut with the skin—”that’s the perfect dressing”—he said, eating a salad. Then I covered it loosely with a bandaid because you shouldn’t cover a cut tightly with a bandaid. Then I jammed my thumb into a wall to see if it was all better. It wasn’t! My God, how long was it going to take to heal? I began to weep because modern medicine had failed me.
Oh, and then I vacuumed the hell out of the two rugs I have in here and I have to say looking around the apartment it was totally worth it.
Clean carpet.
Clean carpet.
And now that I’ve semi-cleaned my apartment I feel so much better about everything and considering how much better I feel it’s a wonder that I ever let things get so messy in here. See, I’ve discovered two things. I feel good when my apartment is clean and I’m starving myself. I feel bad when my apartment is messy and I feel fat. So why do I eat twinkies and smear the wrappers on the walls? Gotta stop doing that.
Things you find when you’re least looking
You know how they say you find love when you’re least looking? Here are some other things you find when you’re least looking:
movie stubs
lint
that you drove 20 minutes in the wrong direction
weird body hair
normal body hair
but who can really say what’s normal, you know?
a crumbly piece of paper you left in your jeans and put in the wash
that you ate a lot of grapes
pennies (note: not from heaven)
that thing you were looking for but don’t need anymore
pen caps
The Daily Alison (Where there were technical difficulties)
Man what a pain in the heinie this one was! The audio and visual weren’t synced correctly for some reason and then I tried to fix it and it got worse. You probably think I’m talking about the way the video was recorded but I mean my own audio and visual weren’t synced. I was moving my lips too fast for my brain. Or maybe the words were coming too fast for my face to catch up? I forget which one is ahead of the other which is part of why trying to correct the problem was a real bugaboo. Just got back from Dustin’s housewarming. Safe to say the house is officially toasty. And Dustin’s letting me borrow his bike! Isn’t that super nice? I think it’s super nice. Especially since I was kind of a jerk back in the segment where I wondered if I was a jerk.
Hi, I suck!
You guys, I kind of suck. I didn’t do a Daily Alison today because I’m on deadline working on a story and haven’t really slept in two days. As such you can imagine my skin is glowing and I’m a vision in sweatpants. I wasn’t going to point out that I hadn’t done an episode today, in fact I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, but then I went and shot off my mouth. Goddamnit, me! So now I’m just waiting for some news to break so I can figure out which way to go. The options?
1. To sleep
2. Not to sleep
3. Somewhere else
4. On a journey of discovery
5. On a day trip
6. Go-Karting
7. This could really be funnier
8. I’m sleepy
9. Go-Karting
10. Shit I already said that.
11. Huh?
Oh and also today I was… um… okay I lost interest in telling that story in the middle of the story. Let’s hope tomorrow is funnier and more awesome. I should probably unpack one of these days, huh? I should have put that on the list!
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