Everyone go back to sleep! (but watch here at 1:30 ET www.watchbol.com)
Archive | April, 2009
See me on The 404 Friday morning
Go here at 11am ET http://www.watchbol.com/ and you can watch the live stream of the show.
Perhaps you’ll be surprised by what I look like? Except if you’re reading this here on this blog, you probably know what I look like. But tonight I went to The 404 meetup and met a guy who was like “Alison? THE Alison? Alison Rosen?” which of course I’m beyond used to, and then he told me I looked so different than how he imagined I looked while listening to me on the show because I look like “such a nice girl” but based on how “hysterical and raunchy” I sound, he expected me to be wearing a wife beater and smoking a cigarette. Guess he hasn’t seen me on the weekends.
I had an argument with an egg
Being freelance affords you plenty of time to be sure you’re going nuts. I devote a small portion of each day to said endeavor, but sometimes the realization creeps up on you unannounced, such as when you find yourself having an argument with an egg.
Asshole
See, what happened is I was making my famous meringues which I’ve written about before. To make these you must separate the egg whites from the yolks and I recently started using an egg separator which is amazing and I recommend you all head out and buy one or just steal one from your sister which is what I did.
Egg Separator
So I crack the egg—one handed because I’m fancy—into the egg separator and then jiggle it to let all the egg white drip into the bowl. Big blobs of egg white are clinging to the yolk though and just hanging there despite my incessant jiggling. At this point I actually say, with a lot of anger behind it: “Oh come on you viscous piece of shit!”
It was strange and came out of nowhere, though, I mean, the egg totally had it coming.
Yeah that’s right. You go back to your egg house and think about what you’ve done.Things to do on 4/20 if you don't smoke pot or celebrate Hitler's bday
1. Eat an appropriate amount of Doritos
2. Hang out with your Jewish friends
3. Not buy Visine
4. Remember what you were about to say
5. Not make surreptitious calls to Argentina
6. What’s hackysack?
7. Not clean up bongwater
8. Not cut into a delicious swasticake
9. Ok I give up, these are all just going to be “not” things now
10. Not speak in German
11. I mean really, you’d think I would be able to turn them around so they could be actions
12. Not goosestep
13. Not say “this soap smells funny and feels weird”
14. Not run out of corn nuts
15. I mean, this is hardly funny anymore. It’s just… predictable
16. Assemble without a lookout, not in a bunker
17. I hate myself
18. Not watch Discovery Channel
Mark your calendars! Stand up date
I’ll be performing at We’re Nice People: A Night of Doucheless Comedy on May 13 at the Parkside Lounge in NYC. I’ll be swilling vinegar and water and talking about my Hummer.
Q&A vlog
The 404; media lunches; Red Eye
The 404 is totally using my name to draw people to their meetup event. I feel just like Kelly Bensimon on Real Housewives of NYC only I’m not tanned within an inch of my life and I’m not crazy. Well, not THAT crazy. Also I didn’t used to be a model and I wear bras. So I guess she and I aren’t so alike.
In other news I went to a fancy lunch today and was caught surreptitiously tweeting by the guy sitting next to me. “Are you hiding?” he asked, because I was crouched down hovering over my phone as if that wouldn’t be obvious. Also, everyone at this media lunch (it was in honor of three authors with new books coming out) was Someone and while I am Someone I am a different kind of Someone and so I felt kind of self-conscious especially when I explained that I’m illiterate. Then I spit out a tooth and told them that I’ve never been one for book larnin’ but I’m real good with my hands. Then I whittled a Grecian urn out of sweet butter and cremated a bread roll and put the remains in the urn. What kind of bread you ask? It was a rosemary almond loaf.
As for the small green cookies I regret that I didn’t grab more of them from the little cookie basket but I was trying to be ladylike.
Also, I’m on Red Eye tonight. It’s a last minute thingie. A last minute doohicky. A last minute foofaraw. A last minute whirligig. A last minute to do. A last minute affair. You guys, I’m totally doing this without a thesaurus! A last minute engagement. A last minute TV appearance. Uh oh, these are going in the direction of boring. A last minute thing. Shit, I lost it.
Look who's on page 80 of Life & Style!
Hint: it’s me! Look, there I am!
Also, I’m drinking diet rootbeer even though just a few days ago I said I didn’t like it but apparently now I do. In the words of Anna, when I explained to her that I can think I don’t like something and then all of a sudden change my mind, “Well now I feel like I can’t trust you!” Indeed!
Anyway, click on the above to enjoy my somewhat amusing face. Oh, and some words.
Say hello to my little friend
This was a gift from my landlords who are the best landlords ever and with whom I just spent a delightful Easter. What should I name him?
Upcoming posts will include
This is one of those blog posts where I write about what I’m going to write about. Like a to do list in a post! Here’s what you have to look forward to:
an explanation of why I have two of the world’s ugliest digital watches
a discussion of lame air instruments (maybe)
some pictures from Red Eye
a video of Anna and me after Red Eye
videos of Dustin and me
more me me me me me
a veritable me-palooza
a picture of me in the green room of Red Eye plus some screen grabs plus clips
um, there was something else
oh yes! I figured out what kind of dog I want! it’s a Bolognese. A dog covered in meat sauce!
sadly I seem to have settled on a dog which not only isn’t in shelters but isn’t really in America. I mean, it is, but it’s a rare breed and super expensive and I’m sure there’s a wait list and it’s not really realistic and so I won’t be getting this dog, I’ll just be blogging about it. Damn you, page 47 of the AKC dog book!
it wasn’t really page 47, I just made that up because I’m too lazy to go get the book and see what page this dog is on
have I discussed with you guys the way I keep moving the jokes around in my stand up set as if somehow I’m going to find the perfect formula? I’m truly fixing what isn’t broken and also driving myself nuts. And when I say fixing what isn’t broken that’s because obviously my stand up set is perfect as is and very funny. If you were to hear it you would probably die of laughter. You would asphyxiate on hilarity. You would choke on chuckles. You would gag on guffaws. You would triangulate on titters. If you were to recover you would probably point out that triangulate on titters makes no sense but you wouldn’t have a chance to recover because you’d be laughing too much.
Is there some kind of game going on? I hear game type cheers.
oh and Happy Easter!