Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

Stuff I’ve accomplished today

In case you’re thinking I haven’t accomplished much today I’m standing here telling you that you are wrong with a capital WR! WRong my friend. Incorrect. Erroneous. Full of misinformation. Dunderheaded. Chowderbrained. Mistaken. Specious.

Not that I have to justify myself to you or anything but I may as well tell you just a little bit about all that I’ve done. But I’m telling you because I want to, not because I owe you or because I have anything to prove so don’t get the wrong idea.

I placed an order on drugstore.com for shampoo and toilet paper except web sites refuse to call it toilet paper which is evidently grody and gauche and so I had to search around the site trying to find it. I ordered 18 rolls of something called “aluminum foil.” Hope it’s the right thing!

THEN my mom called and I stayed on the phone with her for an hour even though I said three times “I don’t want to be on the phone anymore.” I even whined something fierce by the third time. Then I pouted for awhile.

THEN I took a shower and not just any shower but a cold one. And here’s the thing that gets me, I was just talking with someone about the amazing water pressure in my shower so I’m concerned the shower overheard me and got too comfortable. You know? I’m not ready for the shower to have stopped trying.

THEN I shivered for awhile.

THEN I turned blue and dropped dead.

THEN I checked my email.

THEN I drank some black cherry flavored sparkling water which is free of calories, caffeine and sodium but full of heroin, which I dump in by the rock full. By the chunk full? By the resin? By the small bag? I’m sorry, apparently I don’t know as much about heroin as I pretend.

THEN I wrote this blog post.

THEN someone gave me a puppy and I played with it. “How did you know?” I asked. “I just did,” said… the puppy. His name was Sal.

THEN I renamed the puppy because I wouldn’t name a puppy Sal. I mean, give me a break!

THEN I noticed that my fingers were kid of pruney.

THEN the puppy and I fought crime together and saved three porpoises and an orphan.

THEN I did other amazing things that I’m not going to tell you about because frankly, you and I are SO OVER.