Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

Need more New Year’s resolutions?

Thought so. I’m here to help. Also, to offer somewhat inedible meringues.

I resolve to:

Save money
Save coupons
Save the good towels for guests
Save my pride
Save face
Save a horse, ride a cowboy

Buy short
Buy long
Buy a loom and learn to weave
Buy a boat and learn to sail
Buy fancy stationary and revive the art of letter-writing
Buy a hermit crab
Buy a clue (here’s a quarter)

Drink only the finest Scotch
Drink only diet soda
Drink deeply from life’s rich bouquet
Drink deeply from life’s rich tapestry
Drink deeply from a garden hose
Buy a garden hose
Replace the word “drink” with “quaff” and don a cravat

Cancel cable and just download porn
Cancel porn and just watch Mad Men
Cancel both cable and internet connection and watch informercials

Name a goldfish Jesus
Name a goldfish Henry
Name your goldfish crackers and then freak out when people eat them

Learn a new language
Learn a dead language
Learn to speak English more better

Replace college-ruled paper with wide-ruled paper
Replace wide-ruled paper with college-ruled paper
Replace loose-leaf paper with actual printer paper you cheap ass

Put your junk in bonds
Put your bonds in junk
Put your money where your mouth is
Put your mouth where your money is (unless you’re a plumber)

Talk more about couches!
Talk less about couches!
Talk less in general
Talk less, listen more
Listen more to the sound of your own voice where “your” means “my”

Sleep like a baby
Sleep with the fishes
Sleep like a baby fish
Sleep with the baby fishes (shhhh! they’re sleeping)
Name all your sea monkeys
Teach your sea monkeys to do tricks like play tiny sea cymbals

Move your cheese
Move your ass
Hit it and quit it
Take a load off
Try not to sell any senate seats if you’re from Chicago

Dance like no one’s looking
Dance like a maniac maniac on the floor
Take up tap dancing AKA “the headache dance”
Buy a pair of toe shoes even though you aren’t at that point yet in your ballet lessons and don’t let those bitches at Capezio get you down (theoretically speaking)
wear a tutu
wear a threethree
wear a sixsixsix (Satan’s tutu)