Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

More New Year’s resolutions

Written by Alison | December 31st, 2008 at 3:24 pm | Comments

Well folks, it’s that time where if you haven’t resolved to do anything next year you’re probably feeling pretty anxious. Fear not, below is a cornucopeaiaeoyia of resolutions which will satisfy all your resolve-related needs. Choose one or a few. Mix and match. Use them to straighten your hair or dress a simple salad!

I resolve to:

Figure out how to spell cornucopia
Figure out how to pronounce oeuvre without sounding like a yak in heat or a pretentious Frenchman
Figure out how to best dress for my figure
Figure out how to dress a bust for an event where people are presenting busts
Dust off those busts of classical composers which are on the piano
Buy a piano and learn to play it
Figure out how to prepare pears so they look less pear-shaped
Quit being so shallow
Prepare pears in a shallow dish
Do something with a sitz bath, something fun!
Sponge bathe your Hummels
Just have fun with it!
Just put it out there!
Just do it!
Be the straw that stirs the drink!
Drink less!
Drink only through a straw
Drink only through a crazy straw!
Make your own crazy straws out of bee spit and whale baline
Donate your time to something important involving animals
Like mastering Buck Hunt!
Pull off a major heist
Pull off a caper
Have a baby in the bathroom at prom but for heaven sakes this time clean up after yourself!!!!!!
If you sprinkle when you have a baby in the public restroom please be neat and wipe the seat, you know?!?!?!?!
Read more historical fiction
Organize thimble collection and sell any you don’t love
Fill your pockets only with things you use or love, like old records, vintage furniture and persimmons
Paint your thumb green and then build a hot house
Paint your thumb hot and then build a greenhouse
Build a pillow fort and have your mail forwarded to it
Buy a paper shredder and start using it to shred important documents, like books, keys and passport
Take the stairs instead of the elevator
If there’s no elevator in your house refuse to take the stairs like some kind of commoner
Only eat donut holes, not donuts
Only eat corn nuts, not corn on the cob
Only eat candy corn but pretend you think it’s real corn
Refer to corn as “maize”

| Posted in resolutions

  • The Andy Man
    Never make a promise you can't keep. If I had a nickel for every New Year's resoultion that I broke over the years, I think I'd have $5. Having said that I'd give you major props if you did everything on that list including pulling off a major heist. All in all, kudos for changing yourself for the better.
  • Anonymous
    New Years REsolution:


    -Start making a clock that countdowns to the year 2012 (For Freaky practical purposes that is.)



    -DOn't buy Dasani water since I can just get tap water in my faucet.



    - Start collecting the half-pieces of the movie tickets (Those which you get back after the theater worker rips the ticket off).



    -Collect trashed movie tickets I find in the public pavement.







    -Do some research why people like death growl music..



    -Learn to death growl.
  • Joe
    Does anyone else think this year is really dragging? It seems like it's been 2009 forever.


    And yet it will still take me until March to stop writing '08 on checks.
  • Joe
    What about posting more food porn? I don't see anything on there about posting more food porn. Because I think you should post more food porn.
  • Jonfun
    http://www.merriam-webster.com...


    Soultion...always keep a hotlink.



    "Pull off a major heist

    Pull off a caper"



    Great minds think alike! Well, almost. I was thinking more in the vein of resumming the mass murdering spree that family and loved ones don't know about. You know the gruesome type of BTK where, after people find out, they know how sick you really have been for years. Oh, of course I'm not talking about myself, I was referring Dennis Rader and his New Year's resoultions.
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