Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

Duuuuude

I’m at the gym working on my rutabagas, bugles and fire irons and I’m feeling less jaunty than usual because when I got here all the recumbent bikes, which are my bikes of choice because they’re the closest to lying prone in a bed other than I guess the bench press and let’s get serious, I’m a girl and a weak smushy nearly translucent skinned one at that so I’m likely not going to be pumping iron (considered and promptly vetoed a curling iron joke. Too schticky). Anyway, I had to pedal on the upright stationary bike which apparently uses a whole set of muscles I don’t regularly use and so I had to hang on for dear life while time slowed to a torturous trickle and the commercial breaks in jeopardy which I was watching were an eternity. It reminded me of the feeling one gets about three minutes which feel like hours after smoking pot when the novelty has gone away and you are just bored. But, like, so bored you don’t know how you will ever get through it. So bored you consider doing something risky like returning some phone calls because the element of danger might make you feel alive and you feel so bored you feel like a little kid who’s awake long after everyone has gone to sleep. So bored you think, fuckit, I’ll stare at myself in the mirror so you do that for awhile which is alternately disorienting and horrifying and then you look at the clock and realize it’s only four minutes later. So bored that you begin to wonder if maybe life is this boring and the pot is just opening you up to the myriad ways reality drags on in a crushing pageant of banality, so bored it’s as if you are in the fourth hour of a flight from nyc to ca which is usually when I’m pretty sure I’m going to freak the fuck out if I have to stay on this plane anymore. Not that I’ve ever smoked pot. So bored that, and I can’t really explain this one other than the onset of light level psychosis, but you begin to wonder if you’re even stoned. How would you know? Then you laugh for two hours or thirty seconds. But that’s how that bike felt, so after twenty seven minutes that felt like years, I switched to the recumbent bike and now I’m recumbing quite beautifully. Wait I had something else to say. Hmm. Oh yeah, has anyone read the book Singularity by william sleater? It’s a kids science fiction book that I loved though it chilled me when I was young. When I woke up this morning wanting a bird I was also thinking about kids books, first The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles and then Singularity. Time is all out of whack in Singularity, which is why I bring it up. And I should say that if I’d ever smoked pot it hasn’t been in years, years I say, so if you’re my parents, please don’t worry. I realized I prefer heroin.

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