Curious how the wisdom teeth extraction went? Of course you aren’t! But I will tell you anyway, because it’s really the least I can do. I got to the office for my far too early appointment and filled out all the forms. Stricken by some heretofore never-experienced compulsion to be honest, I wrote “valium” in the space where you write what drugs you take. (come to think of it, the list would have been longer had I really been compelled), but I’d taken one that morning to take the edge off. My parents went with me and we all sat in the waiting room. They took x-rays and I was forced to note that a) x-ray machines have really come a long way since the last time I had oral x-rays which was like 10 years ago and b) but I’m still worried about my unborn children and the three hands they’re going to have. Then I went back to the waiting room. A little while later the woman specifically called all of us in. “All of us?” I asked. She searched my makeup-less face (ok fine, she looked at me) and asked my age. I told her I was 29. She laughed and said that just I should follow then. This was probably the high point of a high point-less day. I invited my mom anyway. Through heavily lidded eyes I watched a video detailing all the possible things that could go wrong delivered by a soothing infomercial-voiced woman and then the doctor came in. He thought he recognized my mom but she said she didn’t recognize him. He made a crack about how he was glad because he thought maybe they’d dated years ago and that would be awkward. (My mom is extremely cute and young-looking so I’m used to this. She’s also married, to my dad, so keep your MILFy thoughts to yourself, please) He went over the papers I’d filled out and asked me why I take valium. “Oh, I don’t regularly take it, I just took one this morning,” I told him. “Self-medicating for nerves,” he said flatly as he scribbled something. Then I switched rooms and they numbed the shit out of my face and at one point hit some nerve which caused what felt like an electrical surge to shoot toward my eye and temple. That sucked. The actual extraction blurred the line between “pressure” and “pain” as I didn’t feel “pain” per se but the amount of pressure exerted by pulling the teeth is kind of painful. I am tired of writing about this. Then they stuffed my cheeks with gauze and sutures were involved and as soon as I got in the car I started crying which I did on and off for the first hour or so even though it didn’t really hurt, I just felt like my face had been gang-raped. I chose (and by that I mean my dad who’s a doctor chose for me) to have it done under local because of the risks involved with general anasthesia especially in a doctor’s office as opposed to a hospital, but it’s a violent enough procedure that I can see the sense in being knocked out for it. That said, I’ve heard a couple people say that waking up from being knocked out was the worst part. I’ve also heard people say that was the best part. So then part of my face was paralyzed for a few hours which scared the shit out of me but the feeling and movement came back by the evening. And when it comes to tapioca I much prefer Kozy Shack to Hunt’s which tastes like stamps.
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